Grieving

I miss my Mom.

It is almost Mother’s Day and 7 months since my mother died on my parent’s 57th wedding anniversary.   My sisters and Dad and I are like balls in a pinball machine- bouincing off each other in different directions trying to get to the same place.

Right after my Mom’s funeral, I voraciously read anything I could about grief and the loss of a mother.   I talked to friends who have lost their moms.  I talked to my doctor.  I wanted to know how long it would be before I felt better.  What I could to to make the biggest challenge I have ever faced easier.  Nothing makes it easier.  I just have to wake up every day and get out of bed.

Grief sneaks up on me when I least expect it.  It is not a gradual thing.  There is no measurable progress in healing.   One day I will be enjoying the sun on my face and my dog playing on the beach and suddenly I am hit with what feels like a physical blow so intense I am staggered by it.

I have been waiting for it to get better.   But, my moments of joy will be more frequent and last longer.  My moments of pain will always be there and I do not think they will lessen in intensity.  I will learn not to feel guilty when I find myself singing along to a song on the radio, or laughing with my friends and family.

Here are some of the things I try to remember about Mom:

  • A month before she died my mom was playing miniature golf with her great-grandkids
  • The summer before she died she participated in our family wiffle ball games
  • She drove like speed racer.    She got a ticket for driving almost 90 miles an hour in a 55 mph zone and was angry with the officer because she thought he was profiling her because she was a Jersey driver.
  • She was the Mom all my friends wished they had.
  • She was always impeccably dressed.
  • She had a great group of girlfriends who loved her.
  • Her only goal in life was to give me and my sisters a great childhood and start in life

I reach for my phone to call her several times a day.  I miss her.  I miss my family being whole.  I honor her by talking about her to her grand-children and great-grand-children.  I call and write notes to her girlfriends who are grieving too.   I try to support my sisters and try to help my Dad who is floundering and lonely.

She lives on in our memories.   Happy Mother’s Day Mom…

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About Laurie

Mother, Grandmother, Dog Owner, Attorney, Advocate, Red Hat Lady, navigating the pitfalls and pleasures of middle age
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2 Responses to Grieving

  1. ncgraz says:

    Reblogged this on Its "Forward" not "Straight" and commented:
    My mom passed when I was 13 from cancer. It’s been 14 years now and time has brought with it new loves and new understanding. Just breathe and remember that her love is with u and has put a mark in your heart to bring future love like u had with your mother…she set the bar. It’s not easy loosing the ones we love the most…but their love carries us forward. Hang in there.

  2. doloreslife says:

    Thank you so much. 13 is such a horrible age to lose your mother – I am sorry.

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