I miss my Mom.

It is almost Mother’s Day and 7 months since my mother died on my parent’s 57th wedding anniversary.   My sisters and Dad and I are like balls in a pinball machine- bouincing off each other in different directions trying to get to the same place.

Right after my Mom’s funeral, I voraciously read anything I could about grief and the loss of a mother.   I talked to friends who have lost their moms.  I talked to my doctor.  I wanted to know how long it would be before I felt better.  What I could to to make the biggest challenge I have ever faced easier.  Nothing makes it easier.  I just have to wake up every day and get out of bed.

Grief sneaks up on me when I least expect it.  It is not a gradual thing.  There is no measurable progress in healing.   One day I will be enjoying the sun on my face and my dog playing on the beach and suddenly I am hit with what feels like a physical blow so intense I am staggered by it.

I have been waiting for it to get better.   But, my moments of joy will be more frequent and last longer.  My moments of pain will always be there and I do not think they will lessen in intensity.  I will learn not to feel guilty when I find myself singing along to a song on the radio, or laughing with my friends and family.

Here are some of the things I try to remember about Mom:

  • A month before she died my mom was playing miniature golf with her great-grandkids
  • The summer before she died she participated in our family wiffle ball games
  • She drove like speed racer.    She got a ticket for driving almost 90 miles an hour in a 55 mph zone and was angry with the officer because she thought he was profiling her because she was a Jersey driver.
  • She was the Mom all my friends wished they had.
  • She was always impeccably dressed.
  • She had a great group of girlfriends who loved her.
  • Her only goal in life was to give me and my sisters a great childhood and start in life

I reach for my phone to call her several times a day.  I miss her.  I miss my family being whole.  I honor her by talking about her to her grand-children and great-grand-children.  I call and write notes to her girlfriends who are grieving too.   I try to support my sisters and try to help my Dad who is floundering and lonely.

She lives on in our memories.   Happy Mother’s Day Mom…


About Laurie

Mother, Grandmother, Dog Owner, Attorney, Advocate, Red Hat Lady, navigating the pitfalls and pleasures of middle age
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2 Responses to Grieving

  1. ncgraz says:

    Reblogged this on Its "Forward" not "Straight" and commented:
    My mom passed when I was 13 from cancer. It’s been 14 years now and time has brought with it new loves and new understanding. Just breathe and remember that her love is with u and has put a mark in your heart to bring future love like u had with your mother…she set the bar. It’s not easy loosing the ones we love the most…but their love carries us forward. Hang in there.

  2. doloreslife says:

    Thank you so much. 13 is such a horrible age to lose your mother – I am sorry.

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