I miss my Mom.
It is almost Mother’s Day and 7 months since my mother died on my parent’s 57th wedding anniversary. My sisters and Dad and I are like balls in a pinball machine- bouincing off each other in different directions trying to get to the same place.
Right after my Mom’s funeral, I voraciously read anything I could about grief and the loss of a mother. I talked to friends who have lost their moms. I talked to my doctor. I wanted to know how long it would be before I felt better. What I could to to make the biggest challenge I have ever faced easier. Nothing makes it easier. I just have to wake up every day and get out of bed.
Grief sneaks up on me when I least expect it. It is not a gradual thing. There is no measurable progress in healing. One day I will be enjoying the sun on my face and my dog playing on the beach and suddenly I am hit with what feels like a physical blow so intense I am staggered by it.
I have been waiting for it to get better. But, my moments of joy will be more frequent and last longer. My moments of pain will always be there and I do not think they will lessen in intensity. I will learn not to feel guilty when I find myself singing along to a song on the radio, or laughing with my friends and family.
Here are some of the things I try to remember about Mom:
- A month before she died my mom was playing miniature golf with her great-grandkids
- The summer before she died she participated in our family wiffle ball games
- She drove like speed racer. She got a ticket for driving almost 90 miles an hour in a 55 mph zone and was angry with the officer because she thought he was profiling her because she was a Jersey driver.
- She was the Mom all my friends wished they had.
- She was always impeccably dressed.
- She had a great group of girlfriends who loved her.
- Her only goal in life was to give me and my sisters a great childhood and start in life
I reach for my phone to call her several times a day. I miss her. I miss my family being whole. I honor her by talking about her to her grand-children and great-grand-children. I call and write notes to her girlfriends who are grieving too. I try to support my sisters and try to help my Dad who is floundering and lonely.
She lives on in our memories. Happy Mother’s Day Mom…